Finnish Jokes

So, the real test for whether you've successfully integrated yourself into the Finnish culture must be the ability to tell Finnish jokes, or at least understand them! Here are a few I've heard... please don't hesitate to tell me more and I can add them to this page!

Finnish flat tyre

Antero is driving down the road when 'boom' he gets a flat tyre. "Saatana" he says, and after discovering he doesn't have a jack, he decides to walk down the road and try to borrow one from someone.

As he's walking, he's thinking "Damn, they probably won't have one." He walks a little further, and the growing suspicion increases... "I BET they don't have one". He walks further... "DAMN IT, I'm sure they won't have one, and if they did they wouldn't lend it to me anyway."

Finally he reaches a cottage, picks up a rock and hurls it through the window, shouting "KEEP YOUR BLOODY JACK!!"

Finnish drinking game

There are two versions of this game for Finns; regular and advanced.

Regular: Three Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with half a litre of Kossu (Finland's famous Koskenkorva vodka). They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other two have to guess who went outside....

Advanced: TWO Finnish guys go into the sauna, each with a litre of Kossu. They each drink the vodka, and then one guy goes outside. The other guy has to guess who went outside....

Famous last words of Finnish men

"Naah, we dont need no electrician here."

"We can go to my place - wife's on night shift"

"I love you Kristiina... eh, I mean Hanna..."

"In principal you shouldnt smoke so near the ammunition"

"Lets study the safety instructions later"

"The side effects of lot of alcohol is hugely exaggerated"

"I got some cheap Russian spirits to the wedding punch so the whole family can drink enough"

"Damn life save vest - not bothering to wear them"

"Look! Whats that bear cub doing alone in the forest?"

"Damn quick to drill the ice when it's this thin."

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Taking the Bull to the Butcher
Extract from 'Under the North Star' - Väinö Linna

"Well then, this old man once went to take a bull to the butcher, and he took some turpentine with him. And that bull got tired, so the old man put some turpentine on his balls. Then the bull started running so fast that the old man put turpentine on his own balls. But the bull's balls stopped stinging before the old man's and when the old man got to the butcher's he handed him the rope and said hold on to this I've still got a ways to go..."

How many Finns does it take to change a light bulb?

Five. One to hold the bulb and four to drink enough Kosu (vodka) until the room starts spinning.

OR

(based on the fact that 'all' Finns are engineers) None. They fix the old one.

Finnish Extroverts

How can you tell the difference between a Finnish introvert and a Finnish extrovert?

When he's talking to you a Finnish introvert looks at his feet. A Finnish extrovert looks at yours!

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Finnglish menu items (real, but restaurant names withheld!)

Shrimp and crap salad for two.

Grilled pork shop.

You can have crap on your pizza.

Tepid chicken salad with bread.

We give you water only when you ask.

Dead snails from Åland in garlic and butter sauce.

The cock is recommending today's beef.

We can serve your steak with much blood, some blood, or well-done.

The house's tart is called Torttu in Finnish and is warm.

Ice cream with warm bear halves and toffee sauce.

Finnish mushroom salad - wild, salty and sticky mushrooms with cream sauce and pickles.

Mexican burrito with mutilated chicken meat and salsa.

Try traditional Finnish pee soup.

We can bring the nuts and drinks to your room (room service card). Drink something if you want (room service card). On our breakfast table you will find the cheese, the meat and some others.

Omelet is made with recent eggs from a local farm where the chickens are alive.

This week is "bird meat week" but we also have a good selection of mammal meat.

Japanese guests can have traditional breakfast with stinky rice and fishes.

Blini served with cream and not real caviar.

Tar ice cream - Finnish special. Good for people who eat tar and lingon berries.

Children's hamburger is served with the French Pizzas. After clock 21 are not. Sorry.

Meat with sweat and sour sauce.

Chin piece of steak with potatoes in cream

Coat cheese and pepper in minced balls

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At the airport...

A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.

He thought to himself, "Wow, she's gorgeous! And I think she's a flight attendant...but which airline does she work for?"

Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, "Hmm, no, she doesn't work for Delta."

A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again; "Something special in the air?"

She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies!"

This time the woman looked at him, irritated, and screamed "What the $%#! do you want?!"

The man slumped back in his chair, and said: "Ahh, Finnair..."

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Drinking

Sakke and Ville are sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. They've been drinking for three days straight and they finally run out of booze.

Sakke says to his mate "Hey, go and look in the tool shed and see if there's anything to drink there."

Ville comes back with a bottle of methanol, and says "We could drink this, but we'll go blind!"

Sakke slowly looks around the cottage and out the window, and says "I think we've seen enough."

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More on Finnish drinking attitudes...

My mate Santtu was sitting in the pub with a yellowish drink in front of him.

I asked "Oh, are you having a Jaloiviina, mate?"

"No" he replied, "It's whiskey - I'm working tomorrow."

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Small talk

(N.B. Finland, with its extremely high level of education, never ceases to amaze me - have you ever met a Finn who can count to one?!)

Mika and Peppe hadn't seen each other for ages, so they decided to get together for "one" beer. At the end of the first pint Peppe says "How have you been?" Mika just grunts in reply.

At the end of the second pint Peppe asks "So how's your family?" Again, Mika just grunts in reply.

After three pints Peppe asks "How's work going?" Mika suddenly stands up and shouts
"Perkele! Did we come here to talk or drink?!"

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The Moon

Why are there no Finns on the moon?

They went, but there was no wood.

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Finnish soldier

A young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about Finnish soldiers returning from the Winter War. Interviewing one infantry-man, Jussi, she asked

"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"

"I screwed my wife," Jussi replied bluntly.

The journalist went red, and tried to change the subject.

"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"

"I screwed her again," he answered.

The journalist turned an even darker shade of red.

"Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"

"I took off my skis and had a beer."

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Finnish storm

The following is a real e-mail and photo I received from a Finnish mate (with exceptional English skills) in summer 2004. Who says Finns aren't funny?!:

"With all the news on TV lately about the extreme weather conditions affecting the East Coast of the US, the mud slides in the Middle East and South America, the flood that made its mark on Southern England, along with the dire predictions made by such films as The Day After Tomorrow, we shouldn't forget that Finland has its share of devastating weather too.

I've attached a photo illustrating the damage caused to my home from a storm that passed through South-Western Finland last week. It really makes you cherish what you have, and reminds us not to take things for granted!"

Click for photo

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Finnish weather explained

+15°C / 59°F
This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we'll start here.
People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves.
The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F
The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.
The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F
Italian cars won't start.
The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F
Distilled water freezes.
The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F
People in California almost freeze to death.
The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F
The Brits start the heat in their houses.
The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F
The Aussies flee from Mallorca.
The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F
People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.
The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F
Paris start cracking in the cold.
The Finns stand in line at the "grilli-kioski".

-50°C / -58°F
Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.
The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F
Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.
The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F
The false Santa moves south.
The Finns get frustrated since they can't store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors.
The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F
Microbes in food don't survive.
The Finnish cows complain that the farmers' hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F
All atom-based movent halts.
The Finns start saying "Perkele, it's cold outside today."

-300°C / -508°F
Hell freezes over.
Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

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You Know You've Been In Finland Too Long, When...

You meticulously manage your plastic bag collection.

You don't think twice about putting wet dishes in the cupboard to dry.

Silence is fun.

Your coffee consumption exceeds 8 cups a day.

You pass a grocery store and think: "Wow, it's open!"

Your native language has seriously deteriorated. Now you "eat medicine", "open the television", and "close the lights off".

You associate pea soup with Thursday.

Your notion of street life is reduced to hanging out in front of the railway station on Friday nights.

After a presentation, you finally stop asking "Are there any questions?"

Hugging is reserved for sexual foreplay.

You no longer look at a track suit as casual wear, but consider it acceptable for formal occasions. Neither do you see a problem wearing white socks with loafers.

You accept alcohol as food.

You no longer eat mashed potatoes - you eat smashed potatoes.

You understand why the Finnish language has no future tense.

You know that "one" beer means "let's get pissed."

When a stranger smiles at you, you assume he is drunk, insane, or American.

You've become lactose intolerant.

You know how to prepare herring 105 different ways.

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The following are Swedish jokes, but Finns like them!

Construction workers

Three construction workers, an Australian, a Finn and a Swede, are sitting on a beam on the tenth floor about to have their lunch.

The Australian opens his lunch box and says "Bloody hell - meat pies again! Every day it's bloody meat pies! If I get meat pies again tomorrow, I'm going to jump!"

The Finn opens up his lunch next. "Saatana! Makkara (sausage) again! Always sausages! If I get sausage tomorrow, I'm gonna jump too!"

The Swede is the last to open up his lunch. "Ah crap - meatballs again! Why always meatballs? If I get meatballs tomorrow, I'm going to jump too!"

The next day the Aussie opens his lunch box and it's a meat pie... He jumps to his death.

The Finn opens his lunch box and, yes, it's a sausage. He too jumps to his death.

The Swede opens his lunch and sadly there's a pile of meatballs, so he jumps too.

The three widows of the construction workers are talking at the funeral and the Aussie's wife says "I don't understand. I thought my husband loved meat pies! If he didn't want them he should have said something!"

The Finnish widow says "Same here - I thought my husband wanted sausages! Why didn't he say something?"

The Swede's widow says, "I don't get it... my husband made his own lunch."

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Technology

An American, a Finn and a Swede are in the sauna together. Suddenly there is a "beep beep" sound, and the American starts to look at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" asks the Finn. The American replies

"This is the latest Motorola technology. I've got my pager embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

Then the familiar old Nokia ring tone is heard, and the Finn starts looking at the palm of his hand.

"What are you doing?" ask the other guys. The Finn replies

"This is the latest Nokia technology. I've got my mobile phone embedded in the palm of my hand, so I don't have to carry it around any more."

The Swede thinks to himself that he'd better not be outdone by these guys, so he leaves the sauna. In a couple of minutes he returns, and there is toilet paper hanging out of his bum!

"What the hell is that??" shout the other guys in unison.

"I'm getting a fax." says the Swede.

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